Just like other successful organizations, professional sports leagues seek perfection, even if they understand that its not attainable. This means making major changes and tackling problems like steroids--and all other illegal supplements--the Tim Donaghy refereeing scandal, a college football playoff, a fair overtime system in the NFL, restoring interest in the NHL, and finding the proper system to get kids in and out of college, among other things. However, like you, I am tired of hearing these same stories and reading about the same solution to these problems that won't ever happen. Instead, I am going to bring up some other issues that call for change. So here you go, my good friends. Here is a lighthearted call for change on issues that don't get the attention they deserve.
I challenge you to watch an NBA game and count the number of remedial rules broken by our "elite." Enforce the rules! It's like how college's turn a blind eye to underrage drinking that takes place on campus. As long as the fraternities are "checking ID's," it's okay, right? I'm tired of seeing a player ten steps beyond the baseline before inbounding the basketball. I'm tired of watching a player "dribble" a ball like he was spinning a pizza--oh, wait...isn't that called carrying?
Speaking of rules, let's make some in regards to mouthpieces. First off, if you are going to wear a mouthpiece in a sport like basketball, in which such equipment is not required, keep the bloody thing in your mouth during the game! I know they aren't incredibly comfortable, but I don't want to see someone playing with their mouthpiece while dribbling the ball up the court! Second, no more of these bi-colored mouthpieces that, when the mouth if cracked open, make it seem as if the player has dental problems. I don't want to be 70 years old, no longer able to efficiently decipher visual illusions, thinking that the NBA's new sensation has the same dental issues that I do because that's really discomforting.
On the topic of dental issues, I have a grievance with hockey. I grew up with the greatness of the Mighty Ducks movie series and one of my favorite scenes was watching Charlie Conway beat the Hawks with a shootout goal. With the implementation of a shootout, the
NHL has almost allowed for complete replication of this legendary scene. What's missing? Rather, what's not missing? Helmets! Honestly, part of what made that scene was watching Charlie's free-flowing locks bounce up and down as he executed the triple deke! How about watching Mike Modano's golden hair wave in the wind as he goes mono-e-mono with a helpless goalie? But we, a sovereign nation of fans, can't expect the NHL to do this on their own because as the great Will Smith said in Hitch, "You go 90, I go 10." NHL fans, it is up to us to go the final ten! How? Facebook peitition!
Speaking of hockey, it's time to talk jersey etiquette. What is up with Reebok monopolozing hockey jerseys? Ew. Are you telling me you like the new Dallas Stars jersey better than the old? I am not for any company monopoloizing jersey production, but if you are going to get a company, why Reebok? Why not Nike? Under Armour? Addidas? Also, I officially despise hockey's transition to the home team wearing dark and not white. And I couldn't stand watching Cleveland break out their throwback yellow's at home, forcing the Knicks to where their home--I mean, road--whites. Not that I didn't like the Cavs' throwbacks, but we have color TV's now, people! Why can't the Cavs wear Yellow and the Knicks wear blue?
I do love the entertainment value of microphones on players. As a matter of fact, my complaint is that we need an increase in utilization! The non-mic'd up blunders that occur when a player gets too close to an audio grabber and curses on TV are always great (like when LenDale White, after a big run on Thanksgiving turned to a Lions defender and shouted, 'Yeah. I'm a quick-ass motherf****r') and so is the camera shot of a coach or player clearly mouthing a bad word, but nothing is better than what you get from the mic'd up feature. Even if they are clean, hearing players interact is great. How awesome is this Georges Laraque fight, for instance? How about this? Case in point. More mic'd up...
...And less Lou Holtz. It's okay that he never picks Notre Dame to lose because he is probably senile enough to convince himself that Notre Dame actually hasn't lost a single game since Charlie Weiss took over. I don't understand half of the things "Dr. Lou" says. And forget grasping the meaning part, I literally just don't understand him. As a matter of fact, I feel like the saliva that rings in his mouth as he speaks, clogging up his actual words, is protruding through the screen and hitting me in the face every time I watch him talk. It's gotten to the point where it isn't even funny.
Nor is the constant grunting of female tennis players funny anymore. I'll admit, when Maria Sharapova moans after hitting a ball, it turns me on big time. My tolerance for anyone else making a peep after hitting the ball is little to none, especially those whose grunts are deeper than Morgan Freeman's narration voice. I could hear him for ages.
Ages...hmm, sounds like the best way to describe Sergio Garcia's pre-shot preparation. Don't get me wrong, I root for the Spaniard to finally win a major, too, but I feel like golf should institute a new rule, which, in name, is only fitting if it is long-winded. Alas, the Sergio Garcia Rule of Practice As Inspired By the Recurring Disciplines of Allen Iverson. What does it state? Plain and simple. A player's pre-shot routine can't last longer than Allen Iverson's famous rant about practice.
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